“Al said he’s never heard me scream like that before and he came running in the room. My knees gave way and I just fell. I couldn’t speak, I could hardly breathe. It was like my breath just got taken out of me. I was trying to say it, but I couldn’t say it, and in the end, I think I said, Paul killed Lynn,” says Jacqui Darley, recalling the night she found out her youngest sister had been murdered.

On December 5, 2022, just one day after celebrating her 51^st birthday, big-hearted mother of two, Lynn Cannon was stabbed to death by her recently former partner, Paul Cannon.

To this day, Darley still struggles to understand how her sister fell victim to 35 years of abuse.

“She was nobody’s pushover, she was fiercely strong and independent, but with him I just describe it as; she was Superwoman and he was her Kryptonite,” she says.

“She was superwoman and he was her kryptonite.”

Jacqui Darley

She believes the problem lies with not enough victims being aware and says they need to be out of the situation for a length of time to see the danger they’re in.

“They’re so blinded to it, and all these women think their situation is different. But they’re not. They’re all the same. Their behaviour is always the same.”

Lynn was one of 55 women in Australia whose lives were lost due to domestic abuse in 2022, according to statistics from Destroy the Joint. The following year the number had increased, with 63 women losing their lives to the people they once loved and trusted.

Abusive intimate relationships are more common than people think, and women within these relationships often don’t know they’re a victim until it’s too late. Statistics from a 2021-22 survey by the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare show that one in six women in Australia have experienced physical and/or sexual violence in relationships while one in four have experienced emotional abuse in relationships. However, these figures only count the women who’ve reported their experiences.

Registered psychologist Laura Chisholm says signs of an abusive relationship aren’t just restricted to physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, but can also be isolation, control, psychological and financial abuse.

“I think physical abuse is one of the last indicators of the abuse that you’re in. I think the first thing is the emotional control, particularly around knocking down the victim’s self-esteem,” she says.

Darley and her sisters grew up with a physically abusive father and would see their mother with black eyes on a regular basis. She says they grew up thinking that was all domestic violence was and now understands it isn’t the only type of abuse.

“That’s the mistake a lot of people make; that it’s not abuse because it’s not physical.”

Dr Jane Monckton Smith is a professor of public protection, internationally renowned for her work and research into homicides, coercive control and stalking. Her research has led her to writing many pieces on domestic violence such as her book In Control: Dangerous Relationships and How They End In Murder. However, one of the best known pieces of her work is the review she conducted on domestic partner homicides in the UK, where she identified events that happen in each of eight-stages of the development of a relationship which take place before most intimate partner fatalities: 1. pre-relationship history, 2. early relationship, 3. relationship, 4. trigger/s, 5. escalation, 6. change in thinking, 7. planning and 8. homicide.

She believes the earlier a person identifies being in an abusive relationship, the easier it is to leave their partner, as once the perpetrator progresses into stages 3-5, separation then becomes dangerous.

The first stage in the timeline is Pre-relationship history. Dr Monckton Smith says the first warning sign of having a coercive and controlling partner, is if they have a previous criminal history, although many victims are often unaware and excuse or deny the reports.

The second stage Early relationship involves the perpetrator performing early declarations of love, possession, or jealousy, which is seen in majority of domestic abusive relationships.

The third stage Relationship is what Dr Monckton Smith describes as; a relationship dominated by coercive control.

The fourth stage, Trigger/s is the stage where an event occurs which threatens the control of the perpetrator, which can include separation within the relationship or potential to separate.

Then, the fifth stage Escalation is what Dr Monckton Smith believes to be the dangerous stage which, in many cases, leads to the perpetrator then planning the potential homicide. In this stage, the perpetrator tries to reinstate their control, so will increase the frequency or severity of their tactics, such as suicide threats, begging, violence and stalking.

Stages 6-8 include the perpetrator acting in planning and committing a homicide.

Dr Monckton Smith hopes that by recognising these stages and acknowledging that you may be a victim, there will be more early escapes and fewer cases of intimate partner homicides.

Chisholm appreciates the work of Monkton-Smith and finds it useful. She says recognising stages 1-5 are the most important when identifying an abusive relationship.

She says it’s important to recognise the first stage; Pre-relationship history, isn’t limited to if your partner has a previous criminal history, but what your partner’s past relationships were like and the way they speak about their exes: “If you meet someone and they didn’t have the best relationships before and they talk about their exes in a really disrespectful way, that’s your first red flag, because a healthy person should still be speaking respectfully about people.”

Discussing the second stage; Early relationship, Chisholm mentions how the term ‘love bombing’ is now commonly used to describe this behaviour and says healthy, normal relationships are supposed to take time.

“The danger of love bombing is that we forget that actually it’s not normal for someone to jump into a relationship that quickly, it’s not a healthy way to begin a relationship,” she says.

She warned it can also be a set-up, as once someone has done these grand gestures, it can be hard for them to back out.

Finally, Chisholm reiterated Dr Monckton Smith’s point on coercive control and said the behaviour can include, but isn’t limited to, physical and sexual abuse and financial and emotional control. Chisholm described the term as a power and abusive technique, used to control and hold on to a person and says the problem with coercive control, is many victims, younger girls especially, often mistake it as a sign of love and protection.

“Early on it can look like ‘They want to protect me, and they message me all the time to check where I am because they just care about me and love me so much’, but actually, that’s just the start of a very bad chain of events,” she says.

Chisholm does however empathise with victims and says she understands that separation can be difficult to initiate as people get very committed to what they have and may find it hard backing out of those relationships.

Lynn was brave enough to end her 33 year long marriage with Paul after finding out he had been unfaithful. Darley says her sister thrived without him and had since bought herself her first home and another car, begun a new job and even started dating.

“She had started going out and had just met someone who could see her for what she was and he adored her, he absolutely adored her.”

Yet, Lynn still couldn’t escape Paul’s control and would continue to help him with his financial problems, sending him money, dropping off food, even lending him her old car to help him find work.

“She had this beautiful heart, and she did still care about him. She wasn’t going to just totally neglect him; she was always going to look out for him,” says Darley.

It was when Lynn went to drop paperwork off to Paul, that he lured her inside and killed her; just one day after he found out she had a new partner.

Darley says she and her family haven’t been the same since and she wants to share her sister’s story to try and prevent the same situation happening to someone else.

“If I can make one person stop and think ‘That’s me, I need to get myself out of this situation or I could lose my life’, then it’s all been worth it bringing it to the front,” she says.

Chisholm says it’s important for victims to act as soon as possible to ensure they leave their relationship safely.

“The biggest thing you can do is plan it beforehand, understand what’s going on and confide in your friends and your family. But if you don’t have that, because you may have been isolated, contact a support line to help you walk through what you need to do.”

In Australia, the crisis support hotline number is 13 11 14 while the counselling service for domestic violence is 1800 737 732. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.